Beloved – Be Loved

I have decided to give up praying. It just doesn’t work for me. I have tried every way I can think of and every prayer people recommend to me but to no avail. I have searched the Internet for prayers that may provide what I need. I read books on prayer and of prayers in search of answers I can’t seem to find. I have a number of books on prayer and spirituality on my bookshelves. I have books about healing, emotional wholeness, grieving, finding my purpose, finding my God-given strengths, and being a prayerful wife, and even a book of love letters from my King. I also have books by St Therese, St Catherine of Siena, and St John of The Cross. I have a Bible, several actually, along with books that explore the meanings of the gospels and Catholic history. I have the Catechism of the Catholic Church and a book of common Catholic prayers.

What I don’t have in this little collection of mine is the one prayer book that, to my knowledge, hasn’t been published. The prayer book that has the prayers such as “Now What The Hell Am I Supposed To Do?” and “Hello? Are You Listening To Me?” along with my personal favorite, “Have You Lost Your Eternal Mind?” Maybe I should publish that prayer book.

I have wasted so many years trying to figure out how to communicate with God. How do I do it right? What prayers and what combination of prayers will unlock the magic door to God’s presence? I approached my spiritual direction sessions as marriage counseling. God and I are supposed to be in this relationship together but I’m not communicating clearly and He’s not listening to me. Maybe if I could just figure out what I’m doing wrong it would be better. Maybe I need to learn more about spirituality or about myself or about the teachings of Christ.

I was so busy focusing on figuring out the right way to talk to God that I wasn’t really talking to Him. I had grown up watching my mother praying her rosary when she was struggling with something but no amount of “Our Father”s and “Hail Mary”s would help me. Why? Because the things I needed to say could not have been written by anyone other than me. Only I could say, “Why did you leave me that day in December of 1991 when I cried out to you?” Only I could say, “I hate You for being silent.” No one else could say that for me. I did finally reach a point that I could get past my inhibitions and say those things. More importantly, I could recognize that the painful things that I needed to express were prayers.

Prayers, like God, are not nouns. Prayers, like God, are verbs in that they are an occurrence and mode of being. God is love and prayer is a mode of being in love. So I quit. There are just no more prayers for me. I’m going to stick with being in love with God. I’m going to tell Him exactly what is on my mind and on my heart. He can handle it. After all, God calls me His Beloved daughter. Perhaps a better way to write that would be “God’s daughter, be loved.”